Flat-Out Matt Read online

  Finn is God

  You can’t pretend you are not up high, because you are.

  Julie Seagle

  These are delightful powers you have. Thank you so much. I feel a million times better.

  Finn is God

  Accept that you’re up high and embrace it. Take control. It’s like when I go skydiving. I don’t actually love heights. It scares the hell out of me to be in that plane, looking down at the ground. But I jump through that fear and turn it into euphoria.

  Julie Seagle

  I would never in a million years go skydiving.

  Matt hesitated before typing.

  Finn is God

  What if I took you?

  Julie Seagle

  I’d still be jumping out of a plane alone, just like I’m alone in this stupid elevator.

  Finn is God

  You wouldn’t be alone. I’d take you tandem, so you’d be strapped to me. We’d jump together.

  Julie Seagle

  How would that work?

  Now that he had raised this idea, he realized describing it might carry a certain connotation that may not go over well. A risky connotation. But it wasn’t Matt’s fault. It’s not as though he invented tandem skydiving so that he would one day be able describe it to a girl stuck in a broken elevator.

  Finn is God

  You’d be in front of me, your back pressed into my chest.

  He waited. Matt looked away from the screen for a minute, listening to the music that was filling his room. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the image on the screen move.

  Julie Seagle

  That part doesn’t sound so awful.

  The tension that he was holding rushed from his body.

  Finn is God

  No. It doesn’t sound so awful, does it?

  Julie Seagle

  So then tell me more.

  Finn is God

  Okay. Pretend we’re going right now. Ready?

  Julie Seagle

  Ready.

  Finn is God

  We’re in the plane, and it’s loud and cold. You see duct tape over parts of the interior of the plane and wonder if jumping is the worst idea you’ve ever had, but I tell you you’ll be fine. We both have on the full skydiving suits, helmets, goggles, chutes. The suit is tight, and it gives you the illusion of being safe, secure. You’re full of mixed emotions. Pride, anxiety, exuberance, terror.

  Julie Seagle

  Nausea?

  Matt smiled. Even when Julie was scared, she was cute.

  Finn is God

  That’s not an emotion! But, yes, nausea.

  Julie Seagle

  Then what?

  Matt had started this without thinking, and without understanding what he was doing, but she was responding. So the only thing to do was continue.

  Finn is God

  Your mind is racing. Did you remember to turn off the oven at home? Your car needs an oil change. You’re out of shampoo. Why do washing machines eat socks? Do they taste good? Should you try eating socks? You wonder if you should back out, if this was a mistake. You didn’t tell anyone that you were jumping today, and now what if you die? You worry that you’ll forget what to do, that you won’t remember when to pull the chute. I show you the altimeter. The plane is only halfway up to where we need to be, and it already feels so high. But you’re not in any danger.

  Julie Seagle

  Finn, I’m scared. The elevator is shaking.

  Matt didn’t like this. Elevators got jammed all the time, especially in older apartment buildings, which is likely where Seth lived. The elevator was probably shaking because the fire department was there banging around, and he bet that the vibrations and the metallic noise were increasing Julie’s panic, but that she was not actually in any true danger. Rational thinking, however, wasn’t erasing his concern for how she must be feeling. He wanted her to feel safe.

  Finn is God

  I know you are, but I’ve got you. You’re not in the elevator. You’re with me. I stand you up and try to push your body away from mine, reminding you that you are tightly strapped to me and that I won’t let anything happen. It’s my job to control our jump and my job to pull the chute if you don’t. You’re safe. Tell me that you trust me.

  Julie Seagle

  I trust you.

  Matt took a deep breath. Something just happened between them. Julie felt something for him. She did. He could tell even through this online world. Whether it was him or Finn didn’t really matter. It was a difference of names really, that’s all. Yes, he had never volunteered in Africa or scuba dived in remote locations in search of rare coral, but Matt used to have a good dose of Finn’s adventurous spirit. So the essence of his communication as Finn was real and it was what had connected them online. And Julie needed that relationship they’d been building, the one that had crept up without warning. She needed him to talk her through this. And so he would.

  Finn is God

  We’re high enough now, and one of the instructors opens the door, sending a powerful rush of air into the cabin. Your heart nearly stops when I start to walk you to the edge. As much as you’re terrified, you’re also starting to feel the rush, the thrill you get from being on the brink.

  Matt ran both hands through his hair and bit his lip. God, what was he doing? She was his friend. They were just friends, right?

  Finn is God

  We’re at 15,000 feet now, and when you look down at the ground, you immediately try to step away from the door. You want to bail on this. I back you up, and we let someone else jump first. I put my arms around your waist and pull you in, holding you, letting you know I’m with you. I tell you that you can do this, that you’re strong enough and brave enough. I tell you that you can do anything. So you nod and agree to jump.

  We move to the edge of the plane again and pause. You cross your arms over your chest and lean your head back into me like I told you. I start to rock us back and forth, getting us ready to jump. And then we go.

  Matt knew that he might have gone too far. That he might lose her now.

  Or that Finn might lose her.

  But he couldn’t stop because the thought of being able to hold her, to feel her against him while his arms wrapped around her protectively....

  It was suddenly heartachingly clear how much he wanted this and how easy it was to imagine it with near provocative clarity. She was not just his friend. She was more.

  Matt had spent quite a bit of time, he realized, watching Julie. Not just how beautiful she was, but how she moved, how she spoke, what made her laugh. He knew almost too much. The way her body eased past his in the narrow kitchen, the way she brushed her hair from her face when she was studying, the way her eyes narrowed when she disagreed with something in a textbook. He knew her determination, her warmth, her openness.

  Celeste was right. Damn it.

  Matt’s breathing picked up a bit when she replied. She wanted him to keep going.

  Julie Seagle

  How do I feel when we jump?

  Finn is God

  The minute we hit the air, you are surprisingly relaxed. All of your problems seem to go away. Your stomach doesn’t drop. There’s no falling sensation. It’s just freeing. It’s as close to flying as you’ll ever get. A calm like you’ve never known before, and you don’t want it to end.

  Matt put a hand on the back of his neck. God, was he sweating?

  Finn is God

  So we freefall like this for 5,000 feet. We don’t want it to stop. We want to feel like this forever, lost in this experience. This is why people pull their chutes late, because freefalling is like a drug.

  Julie Seagle

  Or something else, I’m guessing.

  Finn is God

  Yes, or something else. They do call it an “airgasm” for a reason.

  Julie Seagle

  I can see why. But we have to pull the chute.

  Finn is God

  Yes, we have to pull the chute. So I do it. And it jerks us
back—hard—but then we’re falling smoothly, softer than before, easily. We’re drifting together. It’s quieter now, and you can hear my voice.

  Julie was completely with him, he knew. She was as much out of that elevator and in the heart of this fabricated but still very real moment as Matt was.

  Julie Seagle

  And what do you say to me?

  Matt thought. What did he want to say to her? That right now he was accepting that it drove him crazy when she sat so close to him when they studied together, especially on his bed? That, while of course she was always beautiful, his legs would nearly give out when she came downstairs in the morning with her hair thrown into a messy knot smack on the top of her head and her robe wrinkled and barely tied? That he knew she liked to get dressed up for her nights out, but that he liked her Saturday afternoon look of yoga pants and no makeup? That the way she cared for Celeste with such abandon and acceptance moved him more than he could fathom? That she was skilled and talented and warm and patient enough that, seemingly without even trying, she’d drawn him in from the cold world where he had been living since that horrible day when Finn died?

  Did he want to tell her the truth? Maybe she knew already or maybe it wouldn’t matter. All the hours of writing back and forth over the past few months might have added up to something that could go beyond this virtual relationship. And that’s what they were doing, whether either of them could really admit it; they were having a relationship. More specifically, they were having two relationships. The blending of those two, that was what could make this all fall apart. Would make it fall apart, Matt realized.

  As Finn, he had fallen into an online relationship that was safe and controlled. He could show Julie sides of him that he wanted to and guard the others. He could show her who he wanted to be.

  As Matt, their friendship had to battle all the real-world challenges that he carried with him, and he had no clue how to act like any guy Julie would take interest in. He didn’t know how to flirt anymore, and half the time that he was around her Matt was stressed to no end about what Julie was going to do next with Celeste, or whether she would somehow find out about the family’s lies. And while he didn’t really care much about how he looked, he figured that a girl as breathtaking as he found Julie to be could easily attract modelesque guys. On the other hand, she didn’t seem like someone who would date just for looks. She was too smart and dynamic to be that superficial. Maybe that was the problem. She was everything that Matt wasn’t. Not anymore. She was so well rounded that it nearly hurt to be around her. As things were, while they had established a friendship and a certain companionship, she wasn’t falling for him. She was falling for Finn, a part of Matt that no longer fit into the real world.

  Julie Seagle

  Shit. The elevator is working now.

  Finn is God

  That’s good news!

  Julie Seagle

  Right now it doesn’t feel like it. I’ll find you later.

  Matt shut his laptop. What the hell had just happened to him? To them? He got up and went down to the kitchen. He needed water. And probably a cold shower. Or two. He was definitely more riled up than he’d been in a very long time.

  He stood at the same counter where Julie grilled him about Celeste after her first dinner here. She’d been relentless in her questions about Flat Finn, but not once did she seem put off. A bit pushy, perhaps, but always very kind. She just wanted to understand, and who could blame her? Matt hopped up and sat on the counter in Julie’s spot and downed a tall glass of ice water.

  What was he going to do?

  Maybe nothing. He might as well try to enjoy this online relationship for as long as he could. At some point it would probably fade out the way most things do anyway. Julie was presumably with Seth right now, so it’s not as if that thinly veiled elevator chat had caused her to brush aside her evening date.

  No, he told himself. This was wrong. Julie deserves the truth. She hasn’t done anything wrong, she didn’t ask for this.

  So he would tell her. Tonight when she got home, he would tell her everything, and he would deal with the fallout. That elevator chat between them had gone too far, and he had to put a stop to this. It was clear to him that this was the only choice. He’d dealt with everything falling apart before, and he would do it again.

  There. It was decided, and the torturous back and forth debate about what to do was over.

  He shut off most of the downstairs lights, but made sure to leave the front porch light on. He got to the top of the stairs before he came back down and also turned on the entryway light and one in the living room before going back up. He stopped at the top of the stairs. The light was on in his parents’ room, and he could see Erin standing in the middle of the room with a full wine glass in her hand. She really shouldn’t be drinking, and he could tell by the slight sway in her stance that she had already had more than enough.

  “Mom.” Matt stood just outside her room. “What are you doing?”

  “What is it, Matthew?” Erin didn’t bother to look his way, but kept her eyes glued to the view of the street through the window.

  He stepped closer and moved in front of her. “Mom.” He could see that her eyes were slightly puffy.

  “Hi, honey.” She sniffed. “Is everything okay?”

  While he hated her drinking, it was the one thing that seemed to make Erin at all motherly. “Yeah, everything is fine. Where’s Dad? What are you doing?”

  “Roger is up on the third floor in the guest room. He’s got that dreadful cold that’s been making him snore.” She took a long drink from her glass. “I was just looking out at the snow. The streets haven’t been plowed well, have they? It looks icy.”

  “They’re okay, Mom.”

  “Maybe not. People shouldn’t be driving tonight.” She paused and Matt could see her hold on the wine glass tighten. Gently, he took the stem of the glass in one hand and peeled her fingers from the globe.

  “The streets aren’t bad at all. It just looks like it from here.”

  “Julie is out with the car, isn’t she?” Erin looked directly at Matt. “Oh, have you heard from her? Oh, no, Matthew.” Her eyes filled with tears.

  “She’s just fine. I promise. Please don’t worry.”

  “You won’t let anything happen to her, will you?” Erin touched her hand to his cheek, a small smile coming through the haze of alcohol and pain. “She’s quite special to you, to all of us, isn’t she?”

  Matt nodded, but he couldn’t say anything. He felt near tears himself.

  Erin leaned into him, wrapping her arms over his shoulder and rubbing his back. This was so unlike Erin, that for a moment Matt just stood still, unsure what to do. Eventually he leaned in and rested his head on his mother’s shoulder. His free arm moved to hug her back.

  “You won’t tell her, Matthew, will you? Julie? Not yet.”

  “Mom….”

  “Please.”

  Matt sniffed. “This isn’t fair to her.”

  “Things feel better with her here, though, don’t they? Like this? She makes things easier. Don’t take that away. I miss him still, and now it’s easier.” Her hold around him grew tighter and Matt’s resolve began to weaken.

  “We can’t keep doing this,” he said softly.

  “Just for a while. Let her figure it out in her own time. When she’s ready, when she sees, it will be okay. I really believe that.” He felt his mother’s tears dampen his shirt and her fingers dug into him as she held on. “Please, Matthew. I am begging you. Let it come out in its own time.”

  “Okay.” He nodded against her. “Okay.”

  “Thank you.” He felt her relax a bit.

  “You can’t drink, Mom. You know that. No more?”

  “No more,” she agreed. “After tonight, no more. The snow, this time of year…. It triggers me. I think that your father and I will go out of town for New Year’s. You can stay with Celeste, right?”

  Matt dropped his hand and eased back. �
��Sure. I guess so.”

  “I think that I’ll take a bath now. Relax.”

  “That’s a good idea.” Matt walked to the door, discouraged. Resigned. He almost turned back, but he knew that there was little chance she would say something to make this better, to make him feel loved.

  He took a deep breath and knocked on Celeste’s door. “Hey. I came to say good night.”

  “Good night, Matty.” Celeste smiled as he sat down on her bed. “I am exceptionally tired this evening. The print in my thesaurus is obnoxiously small and my eyes suffered significant strain.”

  “I hope that you and your strained eyes rest well.” He reached to turn off the small light on her nightstand that was aimed directly at nearby Flat Finn. A spotlight on a star.

  “Julie said that after she helps me with my project tomorrow that she will teach me to make bouillabaisse. I have some reservations about her chosen assortment of seafood, notably the calamari tentacles, but I have agreed to be brave.”

  Matt patted her hand. “You are very brave.”